Friday, September 30, 2005


The last thing a clitoris sees.

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Gold Digger

Anna Nicole Smith gets another chance to fight for the money she does not deserve.
She is asking for half of J. Howard Marshall II 's $1.6 billion fortune, which couldn't come at a better time for Smith, who declared bankruptcy in 1996 and hasn't had a significant film role since Naked Gun in 1994.
The bitch is on that money like shit on velcrow.

"It's been seven years since I've had sex."
-Those were the first words Anna said after the funeral of J. Howard.
The poor guy probably died of viagra. They had an open coffin, horrible.
"I never remember Howard being this way. Kids, get some horse shoes".
Anna's philosophy on the word marriage is,to rip out a man's gentiles through his wallet.
Instead of getting married,find a
woman you don't like and just give her a house.

Ninja Baby Turtles

I knew this would happen. Wont be long before a pissed off trout will stand up from the river and go, "I wanna talk to anybody from chemical Planet, anybody. I got some 2 headed babies I wanna show them. And get the presidents ass over here".
Mr.President - have you reconsidered the Kyoto protocol?

-Bush: Oh yeah, it's a great car.

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

I Think Santa Claus Is A Woman

I Think Santa Claus Is A Woman...
I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!

For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in some kind of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they - with amazing calm - call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree.

Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. (You might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my husband tells me it's an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th hour decision-making burden.) On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.

Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist.

Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions. Add to this the fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the flue. He would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle.

Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:
- Men can't pack a bag.
- Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
- Men would feel their masculinity is threatened...having to be seen with all those elves.
- Men don't answer their mail.
- Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."
- Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.
- Having to do the "Ho Ho Ho" thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.
- Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.

I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men......... - Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definite guy. - Cupid flies around carrying weapons. - Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers.

Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test. But not St. Nick. Not a chance. As long as we have each other, good will, peace on earth, faith and Nat King Cole's version of "The Christmas Song," it probably makes little difference what gender Santa is.

I just wish she'd quit dressing like a guy!!!

Friday, September 23, 2005

In The Workings

I think I got something here, I'm so excited about it. It is one of the greatest feelings in the world. I think you can level with me.

Recently I've been obsessed with creativity and coming up with my own material. I've been cutting up card boxes, cards and what not. Heck, even one of my fingers.
For some strange reason, I'm obsessed with the card box. I don't care that much for the cards inside the box. It's the box it self that fascinates me.
It reminds me of when I was a kid. My parents just bought a TV. The TV was fine, but the box it came in, Oh my. It wasn't just a regular box. It had colors that had never seen daylight before. The structure, the hight and width was perfect. It was my new home.

I do not know what it is. When I see a box the same size as a playing card box, I have to touch it. I can't resist.
It's like when someone tells you the wall is just painted, you have to touch it, right?

Back on topic. The thing I've come up it is not exactly something new or groundbreaking. It's my first creation that I don't feel bad about. It's a signed card to match box.
It goes like this:
A spectator picks a card and signs it. It's shuffled into the deck. The magi introduces a match box. He shows it to be completely empty. He places it on top of the deck. With some magical goofy gestures, the magi asks the spectator to open the box. When he does he freaks out. He yells course words in his on native language. He is freaked out because inside the box is a chopped off finger. Nah, you guessed it. The chosen card.

It works in theory, but I have to work on the handling a bit.


Just a little update on the news here in Norway. Just after a few hours as a tourist in Oslo, the Swede, Ibrahim Batika was hit in the back of his head with a heavy metal pipe.

Without any notice, Batika was hit in the head with a metal pipe. He fell on the ground and was unconscious on one of Oslos busy streets.
The turkish born offender who attacked Batika, attacked the wrong person. He had mistaken Batika for a person who had beaten up his brothers.

You can watch the video that was caught on tape here:

The blow ruined my life, said Batika.
-He was going to become a dentist.
Batika describes the attack:

It felt like the entire brain was a bouncing basketball.

*Head injuries. Short term memory is gone.
*Neck injuries.
*Impaired field of vision.
*Can't lift heavy objects with his damaged hand.

Blow number two smashed his arm, while trying to protect him self.
- The doctor at the hospital said he was lucky he survived.

Wednesday the offender had to show up in court for his cruel acts. He was prosecuted and has to spend 2 years in prison. He only got two years for ruining another persons life.
I think the fucker should at least get 5-10 years in prison. 2 years is nothing.
The chances are he is going to offend again.

The sentence for crimes like that in Norway are low, too low.
There have been many cases like that in the past where the offender got 2 years top.
The most reason one, the victim almost died. He is now in a wheelchair for the rest of his life. He is not able to take care of him self. He was beaten up by a gang of 4-5 people. Most of them got 6 month in jail, while another one got 1-2 years.

If you've ever thought about becoming a criminal, now is the time.

Thursday, September 22, 2005

Top Ten List

Top Ten: Saddam Hussein's Romantic Tips

10. Splash on a little goat's blood.

9. Play romantic music to drown out the cries of tortured dissidents.

8. Shampoo and condition your mustache.

7. Don't be a cheapskate at the movies -- buy the large hummus!

6. Have a violinist brought over to your table and executed.

5. Show sensitive side by releasing her family from prison.

4. "Say it with toxic nerve agents"

3. Sit on porch swing and watch twinkling United State reconnaissance satellites.

2. Name a camel after her.

1. Ask if she wants to "inspect your biological weapon."

Sunday, September 18, 2005

Merry Christmas

I walked by a liquor store today which reminded me it's Christmas soon. Time to buy presents. You don't wanna shop at the last minute. Even worse, getting caught shopping at the last minute. It's the biggest sin's of all Christmas sin's.
I do not know what to get my girl friend yet. Birth control pills maybe. Nah, too late for that.
It's so hard shopping for girls, you don't know what they want. I've spent 2 hours drifting isle by isle at Office Max and I finally found that special pen I've wanted. Like I said, hard to shop for girls.

This year I'm going to be prepared, unlike last year. I used the wrong wrapping paper. I used a paper that said happy birthday on it. I did not want to waste all the paper. So I had to write Jesus on them - Happy birthday Jesus.
What do women want?

Saturday, September 10, 2005


Now days we have a wonderful thing called viagra. Before, it use to be rhino horn and eye lashes to give you great masculinity. You can go for an hour, and your thinking,"Yes". Your lady is going "No way. I got shit to do". The phone rings,"Yeah I'll be late today. Shit viagra. Oh go out side with that thing". You got more seamen than the german fleet. And the moment you have an orgasm, you look like Goofy. "Aim for the tits hawkeye".
The girls better use some birth control, because those sperms will be coming out of there in 500 miles per hour. A little piece of rubber is not gonna stop that. It's like putting gaze in front of a semi, come on through.
All it takes is one little sperm. One little sperm makes contact. Then its like a chromozone square dance. 24 chromozones coming down.
You just created your self a little creature. The natural process takes its place and 3 months later, the titty fairy arrives. You make one move she goes,"No, they are for the baby".
A couple of months later something else happens. The hormone fairy arrives. It makes her period look like nothing.
One day you'll be coming home and she will be standing there with a large knife yelling,"HONEY". The only thing that can save your ass then is, Haagen Dazs. You have to leave it at the door. She comes out 5 feet and crawls back inside while eating it with her hands.
When that final day comes, you have to drive her to the hospital. She is in the car screaming. Your thinking you have to get her to the hospital, but you also have to get this screaming bitch out of the car. She is like the great white traveling down the highway.
You are a father now. You have to pull your self together. I mean, you can't come home drunk. The kids toys will mess with your head. Like the transformer. It's a truck, it's a robot, what the fuck is it.

Saturday, September 03, 2005

The baby

I'm gonna be a father, whether I like it or not. Well I don't. I'm barely a grown up my self. I would say I still fall under the kid category. Taking care of a child, I don't know if I can do that. I mean, one time my mom asked my to watch out for her flowers while she was gone. I could not even do that. They need water and shit, who knew. This is a human we are talking about. The baby probably needs more than water. I don't know, it could be anyone's guess really.
I think that one should be happy when one is going to become a parent. I'm not happy. The more I think about it, the more depressed I get. I'm not being selfish. I do not think it is right to bring a child into this world that is not wanted. Call me an asshole. Call me what ever you want. By now, I'm use to the name dropping. Mother could be very cruel.
I got 2 options now. I could leave her, which I don't want to do. Or I could pretend to be a happy father.
And they say birth control pills are the safest. Safest my aching ass. It's kinda the same when congress received anthrax. "You go on about your lives. You will be perfectly safe. We will be miles away".

Thursday, September 01, 2005


Want to see how the Aliun levitation looks? Here's a little sneak peek.